that i was running along side a highway and a snake jumped out of the grass and bit me in the vagina!

i grabbed it by the head and had to pull it off of me by squeezing his head.

it hurt a lot. 

it was fucking weird. 

anyone have any clue what the hell this means?! lol 

does it have to do with my vow of celibacy?

so a lot of you have been texting me and mentioning to me you miss my posts. 

How kind of you :) 

I miss writing. 

It’s therapeutic you know. 

And well, I don’t know if it’s coincidence or what, but whenever I stop writing …. I also stop being sane! haha. 

I’ll tell you a story for an example …. 

The other week was just insane with the solar eclipse. Craziest week of my life. Coke, liquor, tears, staying out till 5am EVERY NIGHT and STILL making it to work at 10 haha. 

It was insane. 

Well, Elicia doesn’t really do shots okay … 

And Thursday night of that really crazy week … Elicia decided to do 8 shots of tequila because she withdrew $120 from the ATM and was flapping the money around like it was paper. 

Look at me now. 

Next thing I knew, my bra was off and hanging from the DJ’s head. My friend Julia took her shirt off to trade with me … topless babes on the dance floor. You love it and you know it! 

Well, I wish I could say the night ended just as joyous. 

But instead …. Elicia decides to find something to be pissed about and the next thing you know she’s laying on the sidewalk in Brooklyn at 5am having raindrops splattered on her face as she screams PLEASE SOMEONE STAB ME! WHY DOESN’T SOMEONE STAB YOU WHEN YOU WANT TO BE STABBED?? 

It was pathetic, depressing and I haven’t cried that hard in a good year. 

I finally came to 10 minutes later as I began laughing at my stupidity. 

Well, then, I walked myself home and …… somehow lived. 

Fuck you tequila and your evil ways. 

Bringing out the worst in me. 

But at least now I know I have some hidden daemons to deal with …. which is exactly why I’ve come back to you my Today I lovers <3 

I’ve fucking missed you. 

And I hope you’ve missed me or at least notice that I’m back now haha <3 

I’ve got a lot of plans and ideas for the future of my writing. Should be fun. 

AND! I hope you’re proud of me ….. I’ve finally matured in my digital writing. Finally using somewhat correct punctuations and whatnot haha.  

<3 you all. 

<3 is all we have. 

I wish we all <3ed more. 

… well yesterday I … was asked by a very good friend of mine … what do you want out of a man?

I was thrown off guard and answered generically. 

After leaving this wonderful new friend of mine for the night, I found myself laying in bed. Beside my window, at 3 in the morning, listening to the only time that the air in New York is calm for 5 minutes, I contemplated my answer (among other things but that’s another story). 

What do I want out of a man ……………. 

It’s been 5 years since my last real relationship. Sure I’ve dated and actually let crazy weirdos named Wheeler call me their girlfriend until they terrified me to the point of screaming at them how much I wasn’t attracted to them anymore. Trust me I’m not that type of girl, but that’s the only way those type of guys understand things. If you’re really mean and talk really loudly. ANYWAY! 

My point being …. I don’t think I know what I want out of a man because I’ve hardly even MET M E N in my short life span so far. I’ve only JUST realized that I was picking the wrong guys. Guys so far from being a man that I thought I was falling in love with someone because they were sooooo positive and fun to be around but then had to find out they were only like this because they smoked weed 8 times a day haha. 

Well, at least I’ve identified the problem …. you know identifying a problem is 80% of the solution. I think I came up with that quote all by myself by the way haha. 

So, from identifying the problem and understanding from previous encounters with men, here’s a rough list of what I need a man to be … 

1. Be a man
2. Be nice 
3. Likes me, wants to be with me

What I want from a man ….

well, it’s just too much to ask for haha. 

But roughly, I’d like a man who knows what he wants. My dream guy will just know we’re right for each other and will be a man about making me his woman. I know I should be more of a feminist living in New York City and all … but dearest friends … if you don’t know me very well, this might come as a surprise, I am very traditional and I can not wait for my man to find me :) make me his :) and we begin a beautiful long loving life together. I can’t wait to cook and clean and wake up at 5am to have everything ready for my family to start their amazing days. 

Anyway, enough about me. Back to this dream guy :) He has tattoos and an incredible smile and style (see what I did there? read that sentence out loud again if you didn’t get it haha) and he loves dogs and cats and he’s a hard working man but always finds a moment in the day to make me smile and fall even more helplessly in love with him. He loves music, especially blues and jazz from 20s 30s and 40s. He finds me inspiring and intriguing. We’ll feel like we’ve know each other forever and instantly comfortable with each other. And most importantly …. this is where I usually test guys by the way and typically this is where they fail miserably if they’ve even made it this far with me haha ……… if a guy knows how and can make a bad day or me being in a bad mood to a good mood .. I fall in love instantly haha. 

At the end of the day, we all just want to be happy. I just want someone that wants to make me happy because in just him wanting to make me happy … he will. And it takes a real man to want to make a woman happy. 

All that said, I hope you’re happy reader. Who ever you are, where ever you are, who ever you’re searching for or have found or if you are happy alone. I just hope for your happiness. True happiness. Where you wake up effortlessly everyday, go to sound asleep every night, smile with your heart and pass your happiness on to others. I hope you have the butterflies, I hope you look up at the sky and know no limitations. I hope you feel like you can do anything and overcome everything. And if you don’t feel any of those things, if you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, I hope for you to find the courage to change something. At the end of the day, you have to make you happy (which I have a secret to this … I was really unhappy there for a while and then started taking myself out on dates :) and it helped a lot … if you don’t like going out by yourself - find things in your house to do for yourself like a long bath or cook a dinner and dessert for yourself … it helped me so maybe it’ll help you <3). 

Anyway, I hate writing long posts like this. I have a lot going on in my little heart right now but I’m so happy to tell you that at least I know it’s still there. After these three dramatically unfair years dating in New York City, it’s nice to know my little heart hasn’t frozen over as easily as I thought. 

<3 <3 <3 and if no one has told you yet today ….. I love you. I might not even know you but I want you to know that I love you. <3 <3 <3 

and my knack for emotionally cutting myself to death practically everyday. 

Jealousy. 

I fucking hate it. 

I get jealous over the guys I have no reason to be jealous over. 

I don’t get jealous over the guys I have EVERY reason to be jealous over. 

I’m realizing something about myself all too quickly …… I’m in denial. 

I’m in denial about my feelings and could even go down to being in denial as to who I am. 

I start liking a really great guy that would never do anything to anyone ….. and I’m more jealous over stupid Facebook posts from his stupid fucking ex-girlfriend, than I would be jealous over a dirty latin gangster hipster that has probably slept his way through Williamburg and LES. 

Why is that? 

Did I know deep down that the gangster hipster and I would never work out? Not really …. I remember him just treating me really well and making me feel like I was the only one in his life. He brought me around his friends and I was in his life and that’s all. 

But the nice guys treat me just as well … probably (okay most likely) even better. BUT YET HERE I AM FREAKING OUT OVER NOTHING!!!!

I’m creating a website today ……. it’s called The Advisor. It tells you the advice you’re telling yourself but not listening to because … it’s coming from you. 

So you type in a question like ….. Should I be worried his ex-girlfriend posted on his Facebook wall about crap I won’t mention here because I don’t want someone to know I’m talking about them or not?????

And the website would advise …… No. You should not. You should, as quickly as possible, do something extraordinary like go spend $400 shopping or eat or read a book or go talk to people in Union Square or see how fast you can go home and get back to your office using public transportation or ride the bus all the way up town and then all the way back downtown photographing every block. ANYTHING JUST DO ANYTHING AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER AND FORGET YOU EVER SAW THAT STUPID CRAP THAT YOU DON’T WANT TO MENTION ON HERE BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT SOMEONE TO KNOW YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT THEM OR NOT. Just back away now … oh and NEVER EVER UNDER ANY FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCE EVER GO BACK TO HIS FACEBOOK WALL. FOR FOREVER. Trust me … this is my job and I know this is the answer for you …. just do this and all will be okay. Ready … set …. go ……….